Today was the first sacrifice that really hit hard--tomorrow we're selling Harvey, our RV, and tonight I had a complete and total meltdown. (Still having it as a matter of fact!)
I knew it would be hard, and I knew I would shed a couple of tears, but I hadn't planned on the complete water works that erupted when we brought him home to empty him out. I cried over the bed I love to "rest" on and read a book in the afternoons. I cried over the baby blankets in the storage compartment remembering our babies camped in the portable crib. I cried over the kids' toy closet and the anticipation they have when getting to play with "camping toys". I cried over the dishes, the pillows, the radio, the coffee pot.....mostly I cried because this was not how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old in this trailer, long after the kids moved out to sleep in tents of their own. The memories were a waterfall pounding down on my head, and I suddenly felt suffocated with the weight of this choice we are making.
This choice. We are choosing to do this. We are choosing to be obedient to God's desire for our money. I was suddenly reminded of Jesus in Gethsemane knowing full well that his obedience was going to be very painful. I felt reassured that even Jesus prayed "Please take this cup of suffering away from me" asking if there was any way to be released from what was about to happen--yet still praying "but I want Your will to be done, not mine."
I do want His will to be done. I do want to be obedient. I do believe we will be rewarded for our obedience. I do believe God has a better plan for us than the life we're living. But obedience is sometimes hard, and it sometimes hurts. And sometimes God asks us to stop holding on so tight to things of this world.
I went back and read how our financial fast started, and I reminded myself of the financial gains I wrote about. Selling the SUV and RV is a win-win-win on multiple levels--no more monthly RV payment, less gas to spend, decreased auto insurance, and less cost for campsites! This will be something we'll immediately benefit from, as well as all year. Later this month when I don't make that loan payment for the first time in 8 years--I know my grief will be lighter.
But for now, the water works continue. Tonight I thank God for my sweet supportive husband, who probably thinks his wife has gone off the deep end. And I thank Him for some long-distance girlfriends who can cry with me, and help me see the cross and redemption that's waiting behind that RV sale.
I did actually go off the deep end for one brief minute.....I cried over the kleenex boxes at each kid's bed because "the kids had nosebleeds in this trailer boo hoo hoooo".....then I called myself a crazy mother who'd totally lost it.
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